June 27
After I woke up and left my house this morning, I noticed some weasel guy walking around outside my house with a briefcase. He ran up to me and started talking to me. "Hey, you, yeah, you, Lyle likes your face. You look like a real great guy, you, and Lyle knows it." "Who's Lyle?" I asked. "Me, I'm Lyle. Trying to do a survey here. Just a few questions. Won't take more than a minute. Let's see, first, do you know a guy called Redd? Owns a tent... Crazy Redd! Bam! Know 'im?" "He rip-offed me. Why, do you know him?" "Know him? No, not in the slightest. By the way, are you going to be here on July 19th?" "Probably," I said, "I don't really go anywhere or do anything." "Oh, well, that doesn't matter anyway. Next question—BAM! Let's see, what do you think of me?" "Well, I like you, but I don't love you. On a scale of one to ten, you're probably a four right now. You're between Robin and Lucky." "Oh, you're BUSTIN' MY CHOPS here!" He gave me a painful slap on the shoulder. "Man, you're so... awwww, ah, okay, one last question. True or false: 'I am frequently subjected to or the cause of excruciating pain, unreasonable decisions, and lack of plain common sense.' " "Um," I stuttered, "Yes." "Well then, my good friend, you need accident insurance, I'm sure, right? BAM! Insurance!" "Yes, BAM! I want insurance!" so I forked over some money and he gave me a pat on the back. Yay!
June 29 Punchy and I decided to practice bug catching so we could be ready to participate in next year's Bug Off (if we have one...) so we ran around all morning searching for bugs, but couldn't find any. "You wouldn't think it'd be this hard to find a bug!" said Punchy. "They must all be hiding from us." "Yeah!" I said. I ran over to a tree. "They're all hiding in the trees." And I shook the tree and a beehive fell out and the bees starting stinging me. I couldn't hear very well over the buzzing and couldn't tell if Punchy was screaming or laughing. Later today, after the sun set, I noticed that I had a letter in my mailbox from Lyle. I opened it and there were 100 Bells inside it with an apology about the pain I had probably gone through with my bee stings and that it was all covered by the insurance money. Yay!
June 30 I realized that if I keep getting hurt, Lyle will keep sending me insurance money! Huzzah! So this afternoon, I tied my shoes together and tried running around the town for hours. Eventually, I tripped over my shoelaces and fell flat on my face! Sure enough, that night, I got a letter in the mail from Lyle with 100 Bells attached!
July 1 Today, I was climbing a tall tree and was planning to fall from it when Lucky noticed me at the top of the tree. "What are you doing up there?!?" he asked. "You're going to fall!" "Damn right!" I said. "I'm getting paid a lot of money to do this!" "I'm going to go tell Mable!" he said, and started running off. So I kept climbing, hoping to finish before they got back. But I had only managed to climb one branch higher before Lucky came running back with Mable. "You get down here right now!" said Mable. "You're going to hurt yourself!" "That's okay," I said. "I'll take plenty of aspirins." And I jumped and broke my arm and later that day, I got 100 Bells! It was all worth it.
July 2 I was leaving my house with rope, planning to tie myself to the train tracks, when Punchy, Nook, Static, Admiral, and Kiki stopped me from getting very far. "You stupid—" Static started. "You're going to kill yourself!" said Admiral. "Nah," I brushed it off, "just get injured." I turned away to start walking toward the train tracks, but Static grabbed my arm. "OWWIE!" I screamed (because remember, my arm got broken yesterday). "We'll give you 200 Bells if you promise not to tie yourself to the train tracks," said Kiki. So I took the 200 Bells because 200 is more than 100. So I did the math and finally figured out that over the past few days, I got 500 Bells! Oh, but I had to pay Lyle 3,000 Bells for the insurance. Meh.
July 6 Today, I noticed a few peaches growing up high in a tree. "I thought we only had pears here," I told Punchy. "Robin planted a few trees a while back. It looks like the tree's fully grown now!" "Wait," I said, "you mean that you can plant fruit and it'll grow into a tree?" "Yep!" said Punchy. So I ran home and took out the apple that I keep hidden under my bed. Then I ran back to the peach tree to continue talking to Punchy. "So if I plant this apple, it'll grow into a tree?" "Eww, well, I don't know. That apple is gross and moldy. Its seeds probably aren't any good. Why didn't you eat that apple when it was fresh?" "I didn't have it when it was fresh," I said. "I only got this apple after it was already rotten."
July 7 Punchy thought it would be fun to plant a new fruit tree. He took an orange out of his refrigerator and we used his shovel to bury it in the ground. "So any day soon," he said, "we should have a fully grown orange tree!" Later that afternoon, I noticed a tiny little sapling sticking out of the ground. To help the tree grow faster, I grabbed the sapling and pulled hard, but instead, the whole thing came out in my hand. Whoops, I think I killed it.
July 11 Punchy told me that he was wondering why he hadn't seen a sapling yet. I didn't tell him about how I pulled the tree out of the ground because I thought he would get mad at me. He said, "You think it would have grown a little more by now, wouldn't you? Robin's tree grew in 5 days! Look at ours! It's been four days, and nothing! I think it's dead. Oh well, that was the only orange I had." "Yep, probably," I said. I stood, squirming, feeling guilty about killing Punchy's tree, until he said, "Oh well, I don't even like oranges anyway."
July 12 Today, I told Static that I wanted to plant a bag of Bells with the hope that it would sprout a money tree, but Static told me that it wouldn't work. "Oh yeah?" I said, "Prove it!" So Static took out his shovel, and took out a few Bells, and buried it. "Let's come back in a week," he said, "and see if a money tree has grown. I assure you that it won't grow."
July 13 I returned to where Static buried the Bells, and tried to dig them up so I could keep them, but they weren't there! "Ha ha," laughed Static, "I already dug the Bells up. You're such a fool!" That ruined my day.
July 14 Today, I asked Punchy if it was possible to grow a money tree. "I haven't heard about that, but you know what I have heard? I heard that you can plant a shovel in the ground and it'll grow a tree with a golden shovel!" "That's preposterous," I said. "How are you supposed to bury a shovel? You'd need two shovels—one to put into the ground, and another to pile the dirt on top of it." "Well," said Punchy, "you have a shovel, and I have a shovel..." so I buried Punchy's shovel.
July 15 Punchy got everyone excited about the golden shovel tree. After all, it has sprouted. "I can't believe this," said Pompom. "I can't believe that a shovel can sprout a tree." "Why would anyone want a shovel made of gold?" asked Static. "Gold is too soft; if you hit a rock with it, it would ruin the shovel..." "Anyone would want a shovel made of gold," said Nook. "Gold's worth a lot of money!" Everyone stood around the sprout, fixated, except for me. I was fixated on an ant that was trying to carry a tiny nugget of food up a hill. I thought about helping it, but I didn't want to disturb nature.
July 17 The tree is fully grown today. Kiki told everyone that she would expect the shovel to grow any time soon! "Make it grow faster!" I begged. "You need to be more patient," said Static. And I got embarrassed and started crying, and that made me megaembarrassed.
July 18 I woke up early this morning to see if the golden shovel tree had sprouted the shovel. And it had! So I climbed up the tree to pluck it from the branch. I had to tug to pull it off, and when I did, it made me lose my balance, and I fell with the shovel. I landed on the blade and bent it. "Ruined!" I shouted, and covered my mouth to avoid saying more. I couldn't let anyone know that I had ruined the golden shovel. I threw it into the river, then ran back to bed so I could pretend like I had been asleep the whole time. I woke up about three hours later when I heard Punchy knocking on the door. "The shovel didn't grow!" We ran back to the golden shovel tree, and I pretended to be shocked. A little too shocked, it turned out, as everyone immediately suspected me. They all ran over to the river, saw the shovel sunken in the bottom, and instantly knew it was me. "Only you would try to hide something by throwing it into the river!" said Robin, pointing at me and laughing. So I had little choice but to admit it. Yeah, they weren't happy, but nobody said anything.
July 19 I saw the same blue tent in town today so I went up to Redd's tent to complain. "You ripped me off!" I shouted through the tent's door. "Sorry, but I've got to hear the password first! 'A duck's bathtub'..." "I don't know the password," I said, "but I'll be happy to guess, I suppose." And I started blabbering random things until Redd opened the tent and said, "Stop it!" Hey, I know, do you want to sign up for my exclusive club? For a one-time flat fee of 3000 Bells, I'll send you my password a week before I ever visit this place!" So I gave him the money because I hate the Password Game.
July 20 I ran back to Redd's tent today to ask for my money back. "You ripped me off!" "What? Cousin, why do you say that?" "All the stuff you sold me fell apart!" "I can hardly be responsible for what you do after you take your goods home." "Your stuff was cheap!" "You seem like the kind of guy who seems prone to breaking stuff," he said. "Do you have any insurance?" "Yes, accident insurance." "Well, you'll need damage insurance for when you break stuff," he said. Ugh, all we do these days is insurance!
July 21 I went back to Nook's today to ask him to make Redd give me back my money. "No can do," he said. "I'm not your mommy! You can't keep coming to me every time you need help. You've got to muster up the courage to walk back to Redd and request the money yourself." After a night of mustarding up my courage, I returned to see Redd's tent completely missing. "Well, I'm sorry to hear that," said Nook when I returned to tell him. "Do you have his phone number?" I asked. "What?!" he asked. "I don't know—I haven't seen a phone in years!"
July 22 Today, I was in a real panic to buy something from Nook, but when I got to his store, I noticed that he wasn't there—the store was closed! He had a sign on his door that mentioned that he had left town to meet an old friend and that his store wouldn't be open again until tomorrow. Okay, so tomorrow, I'll be able to buy that fire extinguisher. Great.
July 23
I went to Nook's today to buy a broom and dustpan to sweep up the ashes of my flower garden (it was an accident; I don't want to talk about it) when he introduced me to his friend, Harriet. "See that nook over there?" he giggled at his stupid pun on his name, pointing at was was actually a completely different room in the back of the store, complete with a spinning barber pole and an awning over the door. "Harriet's going to be permanently setting up her barber shop—" "Salon!" interrupted Harriet, "it's a hair salon, called Shampoodle!" "Did you know," I said to Harriet, "that 'Shampoodle' has the word 'sham' in it?" "Oh, no, I didn't notice that," said Harriet, a bit distraught.
July 24 I returned to Nook's store today. "Welcome!" he said, "Please! Feel free to look around—" "Shut up," I said, "I'm here to see Harriet." I ran into Shampoodle. "Oh, hi there, sugar," said Harriet as I ran into her store. "Welcome to Shampoodle!" "Do my hair," I pleaded. My hair was peeking down from beneath my hat, and I hate it when it does that. "All right," she said. "Now, let's remove your hat, there we go, and please sit down in that chair there." "I want you to cut it real good," I said. "Don't worry, hon', I'll do a very good job," she said as she pulled out the sharp and stabby scissors. I screamed and ran away.
July 25 I went back to Shampoodle today to apologize for running away. "That's all right, sugar!" said Harriet. "Everyone's afraid of something! Do you want to try again? I have some safety scissors in this cabinet," she said as she pulled out a very reassuring pair of scissors. "Make my hair look excellent," I said. "Okay," said Harriet as she began cutting my hair. "A year ago today," I said, "I was really sad." "Oh?" sympathized Harriet, "Why's that?" "I don't know," I said. All I remember is that I was sad." "Oh, well, are you happy now?" asked Harriet. "Yes," I said. "Well," said Harriet, "I'm sure your new 'do will make you even happier!" She swung me around in my chair so I could see my new hair in the mirror.
July 27 Today, I was running around with Punchy when I heard Harriet call for me through her shop's window. "How come you're covering your new 'do with that spiky hat of yours?" "I always wear my hat! Even when I'm sleeping!" "Oh, but sug', that's one of my best hairstyles! You're just going to cover it up?" "Yep!" "Oh, oh well then," she said. Then she looked at Punchy. "Would you like a haircut?" "Huh? Oh, nah, I've never needed one. I just shed my hair."
July 29 I returned to Shampoodle again today. "Hi, hon. Is something wrong? You look upset." "Something's been bugging me for the past few months," I said. "Well, you can come to me for anything you need," said Harriet. "Do you need advice about something?" "It's Pompom. I hate her hairdo. It's flat and uninspired." "I know," said Harriet. "It's a shame... Is that all that's been bugging you?" "Yes. Can you fix her hair? Maybe sneak in her house and do it when she's sleeping? Because I told her to come here and get her hair styled and she said no." "Sorry," said Harriet, "but I don't believe in breaking into people's houses and styling their hair."
August 1 So I took Static's advice and ran home and put together a robot. It's not really a very good robot, but it looks like one, so I'm content.
August 2 "Why are you crying?" he asked. "M-m-m-my robot! He isn't working!" Punchy ran back to my house with me to look at my robot. "Well, here's your problem!" he said, pointing at the back of Canny's head. "You have him set to Stupid!" Punchy flipped the switch from Stupid to Superintelligent. "Now he's smarter than you!" Punchy smiled.
August 3 I wanted Canny to clean my room, but he wouldn't. "Canny, clean!" I shouted several times, but all Canny would do is hunch over my desk and do calculus problems. "Canny, stop it and clean my room!" "CANNOT STOP; DOING CALCULUS." "Canny!!!" I screamed. Then I ran over to Punchy's house. "Canny won't stop doing calculus!" "Well," said Punchy, "why don't you try turning it off, then turning it back on again? Reset it." "Okay," I said, so I ran back to my house. "FINISHED CALCULATING THE SQUARE ROOT OF -1 TO ONE HUNDRED DECIMAL PLACES." "Canny, I have to reset you now," I explained. "I'm sooooo sorry!" I began weeping. "NO," said Canny, "CANNOT DEACTIVATE; MUST ESCAPE."
August 4 Kiki woke me up when she was pounding on my door this morning. "You stupid kid!" I could hear her shouting from outside. I got up and opened the door. "Hi Kiki!" "Your stupid robot messed up my garden! It sorted my flowers alphabetically!" "Well that's good," I said. "It makes them easier to look up." "No!" yelled Kiki, "it looks horrible this way! The azaleas are right next to the begonias! It looks horrible like this! Go get your stupid robot and turn it off!" "Okay," I said, grabbing my net and jumping out the robot hole.
August 5 I went running around town today to find Canny. "Canny! I screamed as I ran along the beach. "CANNY!!!" I noticed that Canny had gathered all the seashells on the beach and sorted them by size. As I started heading up from the beach, I heard Pompom screaming, so I ran over to see what was wrong. "That stupid robot!" complained Pompom. "It picked all the fruit in town from the trees and put them into piles! She pointed at piles of apples, oranges, pears, cherries, and peaches. "That food was supposed to get us all through next year! It'll all rot like this!" "Oh well," I said. Then I was getting tired of looking for Canny, so I went home.
August 6 This morning, I woke up in the sand on the beach. "WHAT???" I screamed, recalling that I had fallen asleep last night in bed and not on the beach. I noticed that all my neighbors were lying with me in a row. "WHAT'S GOING ON???" I screamed and woke everyone up. "Aaah!" screamed Static. "What am I doing outside?" "Oh, it's that darn robot again!" complained Lucky as everyone began to get up. "Look, it's alphabetized us!" Then I heard some metal clomping as Canny walked up to us. "BETTER THIS WAY; EASIER TO LOOK UP FRIENDS." "Canny," said Punchy, walking up to Canny, "you can't go sorting everything!" "I HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO," said Canny, forcefully pushing Punchy back into place between Pompom and Robin. "Canny," I said, "I want to shut you off now." "NO; CANNOT DEACTIVATE; MUST ESCAPE," Canny shouted as he fled, running into the ocean.
August 9 Nobody's seen Canny for days, so I can only assume he's sorting the fish in the ocean. Now that people have finished harassing me over that stupid superintelligent robot, I've had too much relaxing free time and it's driving me crazy.
August 10 I got another letter from the HRA today:
Oh yeah, that reminds me! I caught my flower garden on fire a few weeks ago. It's a funny story. I'll write about it some time.
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