If there's one thing that cats will relentlessly bug you about, it's when they sit at the door, meowing to be allowed outside.  Cats can be adorable at times, but when they shrilly meow for hours until you take them out, while still managing to be perfectly adorable, it can drive a person crazy.

My cat's name is Garth.  He is one of many cats who never learn when to stop meowing.  He'll go on and on, maybe even when nobody's even home.  Garth loves eating the grass in the yard, especially when it's sunny.  That doesn't mean he won't meow when it's cloudy, rainy, or even snowy.  He's afraid of thunder, so he never wants to go out during a thunderstorm, but since we rarely have those here anyway, he practically always wants out.

Of course, before he can eat grass, he has to be let outside.  Garth's an indoor cat.  Outdoor cats can get infections and stuff and I don't want my kitty getting sick.  All this doesn't matter to Garth.  He wants out.  Sometimes, he'll pace back and forth in circles and change the pitch of his meows so that it's hard to ignore him.  It's hard to say no to Garth.  The easiest way is to not look at him when you're saying no.  That way, you can't see his sad face.  Another thing you can do is say nothing, but that might lead Garth to think that you couldn't hear him, so he might continue meowing.

There only seem to be three different options to stop him from meowing.

1. Lock him in the bathroom.  Oh, wait...  That just causes him to meow more...

2. Distract him with fish food.  Garth loves fish food.  Those tiny little flakes contain shrimp and other stuff that Garth likes to eat.  Uh, this doesn't work well.  He'll just run back to the door.

3. Actually let Garth outside.

I usually let Garth run down the stairs into the lawn, but recently, I've been carrying him down to the grass.  This is good because Garth doesn't get dirty in the driveway.  If you carry him down, he'll rest in your arms--until you get to the grass.  Once you're over the grass, Garth will struggle in your arms to get to the grass.  He won't bite.

Since you let Garth outside, you have to keep your eye on him.  He's not the kind of cat who will try to escape and run away, but there are other cats in our cul-de-sac.  Some of them are little ferocious outdoor cats, or kittens who don't know not to attack something bigger.  Oh, there's a dog in our cul-de-sac, too.  He's sometimes outside, and wouldn't hesitate to chase Garth.  I usually like to leave the front door open so Garth can run inside if he gets scared, but then I'm running the risk of letting other animals in the house.  Shenehneh can also run outside when the door is open.  Shenehneh is my other cat.  She likes to eat the branches off the tree that grows next to the porch, so she doesn't need to leave the porch to get the leaves, but she'll sometimes run down into the driveway.  It doesn't take much for me to scare her back into the house.

Garth gets spooked easily.  You have to kneel down next to him to make sure he doesn't get frightened.  If you try to kneel next to him after he gets spooked, he'll only run a few yards away from you.  He won't leave the yard, but he also won't go in the house or let you get near him.  If you approach him, he'll run a few more yards away from you.  Sometimes, though, he'll run into the backyard.  The backyard can be potentially dangerous for him.  If he wanders past the little fence into the creek, he could get poked by the prickers and he wouldn't be able to get back up.  It's definitely a bad place for him.  He could also go through the hole in the bigger fence into the back-neighbor's yard.  I can't fit through the fence, so I wouldn't be able to reach him.  I also don't want him crawling under the porch.  You have to be sure he stays in the front yard.

If Garth does get spooked and he won't let you get near him, just kneel down and slowly crawl toward him.  Keep out your hand so he can smell it.  Cats have a database of smells in their noggins, and if he recognizes the scent of your hand, he might stop running and realize that you want to protect him from whatever the hell he's scared of.

Kneeling next to Garth has several advantages.  He thinks of you as his wall.  A wall that nothing bad can get through.  If something bad does approach Garth, I can also just scoop him up.  I wouldn't be able to scoop Garth up if he was a yard away from me, so it's important that I keep Garth close to me.  If Garth is away from me and something bad begins to chase Garth, Garth would either run away, run into the backyard, attack the bad thing, be attacked by the bad thing, or run into the house.  I would hope that Garth would choose to run into the house.  The only disadvantage to that is that the bad thing would also be able to get in the house.  That's why it's important that you station your entire family next to the front door.  After Garth runs in the house, they can work together to shut the door before the bad thing gets there.

I'm just kidding about using your family to shut the door.  If something bad begins to chase Garth, try to kneel down a few yards in front of Garth.  When Garth approaches you, lean over him and scare the bad thing away.  Try not to scare Garth because that only makes things worse.

Garth likes several types of grass, but his favorite grass is the medium/tall grass.  He doesn't care much for the short grass.  It's probably too hard for him to eat it.  Garth has to turn his head sideways to bite the grass, and he can't really turn his head while it's down low.  Oh, Garth won't eat brown grass.  This summer, there's been a drought, and the grass is all brown and yellow.  Garth won't eat that.  It's not juicy enough.  Garth only likes green grass.  It's been hard this summer.  There is little green grass, so Garth just roams around until he can find some that he likes to eat.  He'll just keep roaming around...  If there's no green grass in the lawn, try the tiny little strip of grass between the driveway and the rock wall.  He likes that grass.  It's usually green and tall!

After a while, it will be time for Garth to go back inside.  He won't want to go.  It's usually nice to tell him that it's time to go back in.  There are two ways to carry him back inside:

1. Pick him up, cradle him in your arms, and carry him inside.

2. Pick him up by his ears or tail.

Don't do the second option.  He hates that, and besides, it's animal abuse.  Garth won't want to go inside.  He'll struggle no matter what way you pick him up.  Garth wants the grass.  If you closed the door, or if somebody or the wind shut it, you'll have to open it.  This can be a bit tricky while comfortably holding Garth.  I usually use what I call the "Rotate Garth Method".   You turn your arms so that Garth is facing forward and so your right hand is the proper height to use the door knob.  If this method does not work, you can try to get somebody inside to open the door.  I've never had to do this, but if you have to, I suggest knocking on the door with your elbow or kicking it, use your nose to push the doorbell, or grab the doorknocker with your teeth.  It can be hard to do that if you are a foot too short like I am.

Once you are back inside, place Garth on the table next to the door, then shut it.  It is uncomfortable for Garth if you shut the door while holding him.  Garth will either stay on the table, or jump down to the floor.  Then he'll meow to be let out.

Or you could buy grass from the pet store.  They sell tall, green grass.  It must taste pretty good, and it's good if you don't want to take him out when it's cold, but it's much more expensive than the free stuff in your front yard.  However, in the winter, because the grass is cut less often; the grass gets taller.  Garth likes this grass.  If nobody cuts the grass during the winter, the grass will be tall in spring, and Garth will have plenty of grass to mow.