"Hello, welcome to Wheel of Fortune.  Brandon is our only contestant today because everyone else got sick."

"Hi, Pat," I said.

"In just a second, we'll start round one, but first, I need to sneeze.  AH-CHOO!  Okay, time for round one.  The category is Swear Word.  Go ahead and spin the wheel."

"I spun it."

"Four fifty."

"F!"

"Sorry, no F's!  Well, since there are no other contestants, I guess it's your turn again!"

"Okay."

"Oh, good!  You got the ten-thousand dollar wedge!  Just get a letter, and it's yours!"

"D!"

"Yes!  There is a D.  Okay, you can spin the wheel or solve."

"What about buying a vowel?  I want an A."

"NO!  YOU DON'T HAVE ANY SPENDABLE CASH!"

"But I just picked up ten thousand dollars!"

"BUT IT ISN'T SPENDABLE!!!"

"Damn."

Suddenly, lights started to flash, and the audience started to cheer.  Pat said, "You solved the puzzle!"

Vanna turned over the rest of the letters, then started clapping along with the audience.  I had solved the puzzle, "Damn."

"Okay," said Pat, "now it's time for round two: the Jackpot Round.  Charlie O'Donnell, let's tell everyone who the sponsor is."

"All right," said Charlie, "the sponsor is me!"

"Oh boy!" said Pat.  "The category this round is Phrase.  Brandon, spin the wheel!"

"Okay, it's spinning."

Pat gasped.  "You landed on the Jackpot wedge." The audience went crazy.  "Go ahead and choose a letter."

"N!"

"Yes," Pat screamed, "there are two of them!!!"

Two spaces on the puzzle board lit up, and Vanna turned over the N's.  "Great job!" she cheered.

Pat explained, "You get five hundred dollars for each of those N's.  Now if you can solve the puzzle, you win the jackpot!"

"I don't know," I said.

"That's correct!" shouted Pat.  Lights started flashing, and the audience started cheering.  "You solved the puzzle!" he exclaimed as Vanna turned all the letters.  The correct solution had been "I don't know."

"Time for the third round, the Mystery Round!  Ooooooooooooooooooh!" Pat moaned mysteriously as he wiggled his fingers in front of his face.  The audience did the same.  "The category this round is Food and Drink.  Go ahead and spin the wheel."

I spun it.

"Oh, wow!  You landed on the Big Money wedge!  You can pick up twenty-five thousand if you can pick a letter."

"R!"

"Oh boy!" cheered Pat.  "There is an R!"

I smiled.

"You get twenty-five thousand dollars!  Now what will you do?"

"I'd like to buy a vowel."

"Okay," said Pat, "which vowel?"

"T."

"T isn't a vowel," said Pat.

"Oh.  Well, then, A."

"Yes, there is one."

"I want to spin again."  I spun the wheel.

"Wowee!" screamed Pat, "You landed on one of the mystery wedges!  Choose a letter."

"T."

"Yes, there is a T.  Now you can choose to flip over the mystery wedge.  Of course, I can't imagine you'd want to flip it over.  One of them has ten thousand dollars under it, but the other has a bankrupt, and getting that would mean losing all of your twenty-five thousand dollars."

"Actually, I want to flip over the wedge."

"No way!" said Pat.  "You're crazy!"

"I want to flip it."

"No!" Pat reached over to try to stop me, but he wasn't fast enough.  I flipped over the wedge, and it was the ten thousand dollars!"

The audience started going crazy.

"Wow, wonderful job!" said Pat.

Then I started coughing.

"Uh oh," said Pat, "you're coughing.  Are you all right?  Can we get you something?"

"Water," I said between coughs.

"Yes, that's correct!" exclaimed Pat.  The audience started cheering again as Vanna flipped all the letters.  Pat said, "Water is correct!  You solved the puzzle again!"

"Okay," said Pat, "now it's time for the bonus round.  The category is Thing.  We're going to give you the letters R, S, T, L, N, and E, and if any of them are in the puzzle, Vanna will turn them over.  Vanna?"

Then, Vanna turned over all four of the letters.

"Wow, how lucky!" said Pat.  "All you have to do to win the big prize is just read it out loud!"

Ten seconds later, a buzzer sounded loudly.

Pat gasped.  "Time is up.  Brandon, all you had to do was say 'lens'!  Why didn't you solve it?"

"I can't read," I admitted.